weekend funnies

Since I’m the next Chelsea Handler (you hear me!?) I thought it appropriate that I start posting funny shit here on the weekends because what else do you have to do? That’s what I thought.

 This accurately describes my feelings on a daily basis. 

Could every houseguest be like this guy?

Story of my life

Look at me, fitting into tight spaces.

So this is how instagram works.

A new worst song ever. Stop crying, Rebecca Black.  You saw it here first

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Bill Dance Bloopers

I saw this video on Sunday and then watched the longer version last night. I nearly pissed my pants. Yes, it is hilarious. Well, it’s hilarious if you like watching people make an ass out of themselves and let’s be honest here, everyone enjoys that. Mr. Dance surely does not disappoint.

I think this may be a nice break from things going on today.

For a real treat, watch this. It will be a well-spent eight minutes. My favorite part? It’s a toss-up between tripping over the tow-hitch and him hooking himself…on several occasions.

bridezilla, much?

Most of you may have already seen this but I just couldn’t let this one go by and not post about it. Wednesday there was an email from someone who is far cooler than the bride forwarded to gawker and it was utterly ridiculous. This bitch, seriously I’d break her face.

I’ve been a bridesmaid a time or two in my day and if any of them would have sent an email that essentially made me pledge citizenship to them, I would tell them to get fucked and never speak to them again. For reals. So I honestly hope with all hope, that all her TEN bridesmaids told her to shove it. Because no “epic” wedding with an engagement party in NY/CT, bachelorette in Vegas and the ceremony in Vail, of course, would ever be worth dealing with this serious form of social retardation.

gawker brides email

This post was fraught with grammatical errors which is a bit ridiculous since she’s up on a mighty high horse with a long fall in her future. You’d think someone this anal retentive would have had a proofreader, right? You’d also think that someone who is telling her bridesmaids that if they’re poor, they can’t be bridesmaids would not be poor themselves. Aka, she’d have the moolah to be flying bitches around the country to all these events to be at her beck and call.

My take? This girl is a nightmare. She was never popular and wants to milk this for as much attention as she can. She needs her bridesmaids at everything so it looks like she has a really solid group of girlfriends. Marriage prediction: divorce is imminent.

If you do nothing else today, you really ought to read this.

virgin diaries

Last night, while we were beside ourselves with the lack of television programming worth watching, we stumbled upon what could only be considered a weirdo goldmine. I have never seen more awkward shit in all of my days. For serious. The Virgin Diaries will make you wince, cover your face with a pillow, you may cry but you will surely laugh.

via & via

Let’s be clear, I’m not about to make fun of virgins, however I will mock the hell out of some seriously awkward people that make me feel very nervous while watching them. Now, onto the good stuff.

Mr & Mrs top left had never kissed before. Not each other, not other people. They decided, because they believed that they should, not to kiss until their wedding day in front of an audience. This went as you would expect, times a factor of a million in awkwardness. I have never seen something that makes me scream and cover my eyes like this. I’d say I was more afraid of this than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There was licking, and like fish kissing. It was horrible. You can watch it here but be warned.

Then we have Skippy on the bottom right who is a grown ass man that still lives with his mommy and has been collecting his belly button lint for 15 years. He takes his wing-mom to go trolling for women and is the most agressive guy ever. He met a girl at a party his friend threw so that maybe he could meet a girl and stop being so creepy. She came over to his [mother’s] house for their date. Wait…I’m confused, are we in high school? So they took their pizza and ate in awkward silence. But then, the big kicker, he had some guy come over and sing a song whilst Skippy tried to grab her boobs and she looked like she wanted to die. DIE. It was terrible. My prediction: Skippy will die a virgin.

There were five others on the show but meh, not as interesting. One 41-year-old woman who just “forgot” to ever have sex. A 32-year-old man who is terrified to have sex but is getting married in three days. A 33-year-old woman who is seriously holding a gun to her boyfriend’s head so that he’ll marry her because she’s beyond sexually frustrated. And two other girls that could very easily find love on a dating site.

I would personally file this under a show category like Teen Mom. The shows you watch and you’re instantly feeling better about your life.