monday. why?

Did you all know that I’m not a morning person? I won’t talk until I’ve been awake for at least a half hour and if you try, I might kill you with my ninja skills.  Consequently, I hate Monday and probably every day that ends in -day. Mostly because all those days have mornings and I don’t like the morning. I am my happiest when I’m getting in bed. Why? Because I fucking love my bed. It is the best thing of all time. Besides candy and when my boyfriend does the dishes.

But seriously, Monday…it’s the worst. The worst.

And I think I’m getting a cold and it’s raining so my hair is all lion-like. The bright side is I have mashed potatoes for lunch. No, they’re not paleo. Yes, they’re delicious. No, that isn’t the only thing I’m eating. Gosh, you’re nosy.


left behind

Chuck E Cheese is where a kid can be a kid, but now it’s also where a kid can be left by their parents. It makes it even more special if the child being left behind (pun intended) is also 3 years old.


When did the parents notice that her child was missing? Oh, on the 11pm news when they showed a picture of their dearest Harmony.


No, I am not making this shit up. I couldn’t.

Mr. Cheese alerted the sheriff’s department that the kid had been abandoned after she approached a staff member to say she was thirsty. What I think she meant to say was that her mommy and daddy don’t love her because they left her at a sub-par casual dining restaurant with games and creepy ass robotic mice.

I’m sorry, but how the hell do you forget your child and continue to forget about her for hours? Even Kevin McCallister’s parents realized he was gone shortly thereafter he was separated from the pack. And he had a blast at home eating cheese pizza without the mice. The second time, he had a kick ass vacation in New York City and stayed at the mother fucking Plaza Hotel. Again, not Chuck E. Cheese.

I am appalled that they released this girl back to her parents. I bet the make her eat processed foods and drink juices made with high fructose corn syrup. They seem like real assholes.

morning, sunshine

Peeps, I gotta say, I felt the love yesterday. Thank you for your comments. Lots of things are also going on that I won’t talk about on ze blog, but just know that I care that you care.

If you know me, this is old news. But for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, I am a beast in the mornings. I don’t know if there was ever a worse invention or time of day. I hate mornings.

I hate them.

We have a strict no talking policy here in the apartment but said policy also follows me wherever I go. So if you talk to me, I will look at you like I’m about to locate my shank and shove it into your jugular.

Sort of like this…but a lot less festive. Yes, that is a sunburn.

I can compare the mornings only to one of my most favorite activities, giving blood. Note: I did not say donating, merely giving. I do not donate blood. No, it isn’t because I’m selfish or because I think I’m better than you. It’s because there is nothing that I hate more than giving blood.  For me to give blood, I need to be medicated and almost strapped down like a mental patient.

That is how I act in the mornings. I throw temper tantrums and I refuse to get out of bed. Right now, as I write this, I want to get back into bed. I am not ready for this day nor do I wish to acknowledge it.

Bright side: today is my Friday. You are so jealous.

what the f wednesday…stalkers up in the hizzy

I think at one time or another we’ve all had a stalker, or maybe have even been a stalker. Hey, I know some of you get your serious stalk on thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, admit it.

While perusing Gawker last night, I came across this lovely tale of some seriously disturbing behavior. I may or may not have a stalker, but he does nothing like David Gray. No, not David Gray the musician. David Gray the analyst from JP Morgan. Sidenote: my boyfriend may work in finance, but he is far too apathetic to stalk anyone. For serious. Anyway, I digress…

David Gray is 28 and he’s married. So I’m going to assume (hopefully I wont make an ass out of you and me) and say that he hasn’t even been married that long. Oh and look at me being all right and shit. Here is their wedding announcement for your viewing pleasure. He meets a hottie at work and decides that he wants to go there. She agrees because he has tons of cash and she has a hobby of being a home wrecker.

Then I guess a switch was flipped and the man that had married far beyond his station in life decided to become a psycho and follow his new piece of tail to another continent, show up in her home and take candlesticks that allegedly belonged to his grandmother. Can you say “freak”? Gawker, being such the sweetie that they are, got their paws on the following bat shit crazy behavior that Gray displayed.

It included, but is not limited to:

  • “At one stage he sent her 176 text messages and 23 emails over just 16 hours”
  • “He even used his key to enter her Onslow Gardens home and take two candlesticks that belonged to his grandmother”
  • “Miss Rausnitz accused him of trying to change his flights so they were on the same aircraft”
  • “His victim told police he planted a tracking device in her phone and hacked her email”
  • “When officers confronted him at a Park Lane Hotel where she was hiding with her family he told them he was an agent for the Israeli secret service”
  • “He collapsed in front of her at Heathrow Airport-–something she accused him of faking and which he said was brought on by stress”
  • “He also admitted claiming falsely that his sister had died and that he was seriously ill in a Paris hospital after an accident.”
  • “Even on the eve of his trial Gray was accused of breaching his bail by turning up at the same Notting Hill restaurant as his former lover.”

Not to mention, they found the most psychotic looking photo of him to use in the article. Mad ups to whomever got their hands on this gem. The devil has red eyes too, right? I also love the play on words. Can’t get enough. Needless to say, I’m fairly certain that Mrs. Gray will be filing for divorce. If she doesn’t she is not too bright.

image via

Happy hump day, readers! Do you have any stalker stories to share?