matters of the heart

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I struggled with whether or not to tell you all about this but something keeps telling me I should, so I’ll just get on with it. Last Thursday, I found out that I need to have open heart surgery. Well, another open heart surgery. I had my first one when I was three months old and my parents were told that my future wouldn’t be so bright. Thankfully, the doctors were very wrong then.

They told us that I’d need another surgery at some point but talking about it in the future tense as a thing that’s years and years away, and being told you’re going to do it in a few months are two strikingly different things. Obviously, hearing “you need surgery” is never a fun thing. It’s even less fun when you start thinking about all the things that they’re actually going to do to you. ย That you’ll be in the hospital, that there will be a lot of machines and tubes and nurses and doctors. And then you start to cry, because you’re paralyzed by fear and worry. You start looking back and seeing signs you should have noticed before and symptoms that were obvious, but you didn’t know and you blame yourself.

But when you’re surrounded by family + friends that love you a lot, it makes it better. Being “sick” is one of the most isolating feelings ever because everyone wants to help but you just feel alone and lonely, even when you aren’t alone. Needless to say, we’ve been dealing with a a lot these past few days.

I’m going to try not to let my heart come between me + this blog, but I’m a realist and it might happen and it’s probablyย inevitable. I’m sure I’ll have my good days and bad and just won’t feel like blogging or pretending to feel a way that I don’t and I hope you’ll appreciate that. I also hope you all know that I’m not writing this for pity or attention, because I’m not the person that whines about being sick (to anyone other than my boyfriend). This isn’t a cry for help or attention, it’s just a new part of my life that I’ll be dealing with for the months to come.